Look, I’m a monster. I know it. My friends all know it deep down, but they pretend not to notice because they’ve all invested too much time into their relationship with me. I love finding fun new ways to make the people I love miserable, and my favorite way of doing that is with puns!
The Oscars are this weekend, and like lots of people across America I’m putting together an annual party. My theme? I insist on every item having a ridiculous and obviously forced pun name to make people groan. There is nothing greater than watching the light slowly drain from someone’s eyes as you hit them with the 20th pun in a deluge of unfunny plays-on-words. Here are some pun-based ideas for your Oscars menu this year, starting with our favorites!
Appetizer: The Reven-antipasto
Lots of people don’t know what antipasto is, which is fine because people don’t know what the word “revenant” means either! Antipasto literally means “before the pasta,” and is a collection of meats, cheeses, and other ingredients like olives or bruschetta that you put together on a plate before the meal. It requires no actual cooking, but the individual store-bought ingredients have to be expensive which makes it fancy. Pretend you’re Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant by desperately eating raw ingredients to try and gain everyone else’s approval.
Main Course: Straight Flautas Compton
Flautas, very similar to Taquitos, are very easy to make with tortillas and meat and whatever toppings you’d like. They are a huge crowd-pleaser and very filling. If you want to take the extra step and make them N.W.A.-themed after Straight Out of Compton, progressively lose key ingredients as you go. “Where did the meat go in these last flautas?” people will ask. Simply shake your head and tell them the meat had a contract dispute or was seduced away by Suge Knight. For bonus points, tell everybody the story of how you made your flautas while conveniently leaving out any details about your own personal history of violence against women.
Dessert: Fridge of Pies
This one is pretty straightforward as a dessert option. I don’t want to overtax you, but I would say probably at least three pies or more are required to count as a “fridge of pies.” If you want to act like Tom Hanks in Bridge of Spies you can pretend that these pies are trapped because of the “cold drawer” (Cold War) and you’ve been sent by the government to negotiate their release. They might tell you to just stick to the mission and only eat the pie that has military secrets… but you are going to liberate every single one of those pies because they are Americans.
Drink: 45 Beers
Okay, we’re definitely going for quantity over quality at this point. Very few people actually saw 45 Years and most people only heard about it because the nominated actress complained online about reverse-racism. But you know what? We’re going for deep cuts here because we take this seriously. Either way, I can promise you that drinking 45 beers (with friends, obviously not by yourself, you degenerate) will make the Oscars seem tolerable this year. If you really want to do something with the movie theme here you could, uhh… well, let’s be realistic. After this much alcohol you were going to spend some time rambling about your ex anyway. This one writes itself, I’m done here.
Honorary Mentions
Here are some more puns you can use. I couldn’t give a full entry to every single one of them but they are all my children. Maybe you can give them a better home than I can. You’ll probably need to make a bunch of these because honestly most of them don’t sound very filling on their own.
- The Big Short-rib
- Brie (the cheese) Larson
- Bryan Cranberry-ston
- Cake Blanchette
- Ca-rolls
- The Danishes Girl
- Ex Ma-Chinese food
- Mad Max: Fury Roe
- Mark Ruffalo Wings
- The Martianmallows
- Rooney Mara-nara sauce
- Steve Kabobs
I hope you hated these as much as my friends will.
If you want to read more about all this year’s Oscar-nominated movies, we have all your information on Moviepedia at Wikia!
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