Today, we celebrate the arrival of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens by shining a light on the best janitors in film history. While many would say that all janitors are equal, we know that this sadly isn’t reality. That’s why the ten greatest janitors in film history have been assembled here to be graded once and for all. Their work history, personal character, and major accomplishments will be factored into the assessment. All grades are final. If you wish to discuss them, feel free to take your unauthorized dissent to our social media pages.
Finn, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
FN-2817 was one of the many custodial engineers at Starkiller Base. Due to the First Order military draft, he was placed into a division under the command of Captain Phasma. After disobeying direct orders and going AWOL with a known Resistance pilot, Finn later participated in the destruction of his place of employment. A janitor’s duty is to clean what has gone wrong. By disobeying a superior’s orders and surrendering the integrity of Starkiller Base to those messy Resistance fighters, Finn created a mess that shall forever dirty our hearts and minds.
JANITORIAL REPORT: F
Melvin Ferd, The Toxic Avenger
Melvin was just a skinny nerd from Tromaville. After being exposed toxic waste, he returned to his janitorial duties to clean up crime. While Melvin lost his initial employment at the Tromaville Health Club, his after hours activities inspired a new generation of janitors to employ vigilante justice. Melvin’s further exploits were tackled in three sequels and an animated series. Melvin might possibly be the world’s greatest disfigured janitor. Note how I said, disfigured and not ugly. The world’s never short on ugly janitors of great fame.
JANITORIAL REPORT: A
Will Hunting, Good Will Hunting
Janitors aren’t supposed to solve math problems! Initially employed at MIT as a janitor, Will Hunting took it upon himself to finish several math equations outside of a classroom. After initially being reported for defacing school property, Mister Hunting managed to con his way into psychiatric treatment on MIT’s dime. After severely mangling the employee/client relationship, Hunting deserted his post to flee cross-country to see about a “girl”. Mister Hunting was terminated at the end of the week.
JANITORIAL REPORT: B-
Stanley Spadowski, UHF
Stanley Spadowski was initially terminated from his job at Channel 8 after a snafu with a research report. While the situation cleared itself up, Spadowski found himself gainfully employed at Channel 68. The little independent station that could gave Spadowski new purpose and a successful TV kiddie show where he would let juvenile winners drink from the fire hose. While no injuries were reported in said activity, one has to wonder what it has to do with the custodial arts. Station Owner George Newman would later go on record stating that Spadowski cleaned the set nightly as well as the rest of the studio. Mops off to ‘ya, Stanley.
JANITORIAL REPORT: A+
Mr. Jenkins, The Willies
Mr. Jenkins is a janitor that has seemingly slipped through the cracks of Fandom. Originally debuting in The Willies, Jenkins was portrayed as a kindly old janitor that just wanted to help school kids. That was until a trio of bullies and a troublesome teacher learned his secret. He was really a reptoid style alien that feasted on human flesh. Mr. Jenkins loses points for cleaning windows with the blood of his victims. While he was kindly to the film’s hero, Jenkins still made sloppy mistakes as a custodial engineer. Specifically, he allowed his true alien form to be exposed to a surviving witness in direct violation of janitorial policy standards. Witnesses are the ultimate mess.
JANITORIAL REPORT: B+
Argus Filch, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
Argus Filch was a squib who the wizards kept as a caretaker at Hogwarts. Given that Hagrid was handling the major animals and most of the groundskeeping, one has to wonder why Filch was allowed to stay. Did the Wizards enjoy having a pet human to antagonize the students? McGonagall and others constantly treat him as a whiner complaining about the supernatural happenings at the school. But, Filch stays tried and true in his imaginary janitorial duties. Even if Peeves is waiting to mess up his day.
JANITORIAL REPORT: D+
Freddy Kruger, A Nightmare on Elm Street
Frederick Charles Krueger was a child molester/murdered in Springwood, Illinois. Dubbed the Springwood Slasher, Kruger operated from unknown areas to target local kids. While working in boiler room maintenance and light janitorial work, Krueger was finally busted for his off-hours misdeeds. After being brutally murdered on the work site, Krueger was reborn as a nightmare demon monster that continued murdering children. Thankfully, Krueger’s employer was never outright named during his documented crime spree. It’s just that one shouldn’t haven’t to die on the job to gain this level of notoriety.
JANITORIAL REPORT: F
Groundskeeper Willie, The Simpsons
Willie is a drunken Scot who is allowed to use heavy machinery on the grounds of Springfield Elementary. William MacDougal has been noted for being intoxicated on the job, stoned via liquid marijuana and getting into fights with parents on school grounds. While this seemingly doesn’t interfere with his custodial duties, one has to wonder how long it will be before Willie finally has that break and kills a student. When that time does occur, we’re sure that he’ll be able to clean up the mess before Chief Wiggum arrives to take him away.
JANITORIAL REPORT: C-
M-O, Wall-E
M-O (Microbe Obliterator) is an onboard automation built by the Buy ‘n’ Large Corporation to clean ship messes. When the renegade robot Wall-E makes a mess of his ship, M-O sticks to his guns and keeps trying to clean up the mess. What costs M-O is his inability to break from basic programming and make judgment calls. This might be due to his low-grade AI, but a janitor shouldn’t let programming hamper his/her/its ability to clean. That being said, the janitor’s natural charm is recognized above all.
JANITORIAL REPORT: A-
Carl Reed aka The Janitor, The Breakfast Club
Carl Reed was Shermer High School’s premiere Janitor. That was until some punk kids got into his head during the events of The Breakfast Club. Butting heads with Principal Vernon after meeting with the detention kids led to a situation that ultimately ended with Carl’s termination. Spending the rest of his days toiling in odd jobs around Shermer, Carl would find himself in situations with an effeminate young boy named Ducky and a woman claiming to have been created by an Amiga. After a serious of run-ins with law enforcement, Carl was found dead via self-inflicted gunshot wound on New Year’s Eve 1995. His body was found with a noisemaker in his exhausted port and smeared lipstick on his face. His suicide note read “NEVER CLEAN”.
JANITORIAL REPORT: F
THE GREATEST JANITOR IN FILM HISTORY IS:
STANLEY SPADOWSKI!