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‘Orange is the New Black’ Season 3 Recap: Hookups in Lockup

Season 4 of comedy-drama Orange is the New Black premieres Friday, June 17. Netflix announced in February that the original series has been renewed for three additional seasons, with writer and creator Jenji Kohan at the helm. It’s fantastic news for fans of the show, who can expect even more prison drama, backstabbing, actual stabbing, and cast members to ship.

As we prepare to binge-watch the entire thing this weekend, let’s catch up on our favorite couples from last season. Friends and lovers have been tested, and we hope the OITNB writers will answer some of our burning questions. Questions like: Is Vauseman finally over? What is going on with Red and Healy? Also: Where tf is Daya’s baby daddy? Consider this your guide to the most current makeups and breakups in Litchfield.

Piper & Stella

piper-stella

Piper and Stella meet while sewing panties for the lingerie company Whispers. The two hit it off and begin a whirlwind romance. Like many of the inmates on this list, their Facebook status could go from “In a Relationship” to “It’s Complicated” real quick:

  • Piper cheats on Alex with Stella
  • They start a used panty-selling business with stolen Whispers merchandise
  • Stella tattoos Piper’s arm with the words “Trust no bitch”
  • Piper becomes The Worst

Turns out Stella gave Piper one of the most ironic prison tattoos of all time. After Piper discovers her new bosom buddy stole the funds from the panty-selling business, she hides weapons and drugs in Stella’s bunk. Stella is caught with the contraband and is expected to serve time in a maximum security prison. Lesson learned: don’t stick your dick in crazy mess with Piper.

stella-carlin
Hate to see you go; love to watch you leave.

Soso & Poussey

Season 3 is rough on poor Soso. The other inmates alienate her and dismiss her smelly protests. Burdened by loneliness and the weight of her incarceration, she tries to overdose on Benadryl. Poussey, who is struggling with her own demons, finds Soso passed out in the library and forces her to vomit up the pills.

pousoso

Poussey keeps a close eye on Soso, who becomes an honorary member of the Black Girls. We last see them holding hands and swimming in the lake behind the prison. It’s unclear whether the friendship will become something more in the new season. All we know for sure is:

Poussoso1

Piper & Alex

Piper Chapman and Alex Vause — “Vauseman” for the fangirls — go through the roughest of patches in Season 3. Their relationship has always been on-again, off-again, but this falling out tells us things might be off forever.

Vauseman

After Alex is sent back to Litchfield, she becomes increasingly paranoid that her former boss is going to send an assassin out to the prison to kill her. Piper, on the other hand, has a wandering eye, and grows tired of Alex’s instability. The two break up, and by the end of Season 3, Piper couldn’t care less about Alex (who ends up getting trapped in the greenhouse with — you guessed it — an assassin sent by her former boss to kill her).

Daya & Bennett

Dayanara spent most of last season being visibly pregnant and wondering where her correctional officer/fiancé ran off to. We last see Bennett visiting Daya’s siblings and stepfather Cesar, in an encounter that proves to be anything but heartwarming.

bennett-and-daya

Cesar knows that Bennett is the father of Daya’s child and offers him Daya’s old baby crib. This crib is a beat up hand-me-down and has been reused by Daya’s many siblings. Bennett ends up throwing the crib off the side of the road, in an act that can be interpreted as symbolism. Maybe he is determined to give Daya and his child better life.

That, or maybe he’s just a deadbeat.

bennett-oitnb

Flaca & Maritza

Best friends Flaca and Maritza experience a bit of tension in Season 3. After we learn the details behind Flaca’s incarceration (in what has to be one of the best OITNB back stories), she gets a work reassignment at the Whispers lingerie factory. Her entitlement about the new position saddens Maritza, who feels that Flaca is betraying her and the other girls from the Spanish Harlem.

flaritza

The two friends are quick to make up, bound together by their shared love of eyeliner and pizza. We’re glad for it, because we could all use a little more comedic relief from this duo. Twitter agrees: Flaritza for President ’16.

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Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 8.19.24 PM Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 8.10.48 PM

 

Red & Healy

We don’t buy this coupling at all. Nor do we condone it, what with Sam Healy‘s track record for being an insufferable bigot and all. But, here they are. Red and Healy spent last season exchanging meaningful stares, mostly because he decided to learn Russian to impress his ungrateful mail-order bride and let Red plant a garden or something.

red-and-healy
She could stare into those misogynistic eyes forever.

While this may be the writers’ attempt to provide Healy with rich! complex! layers!, please remember: This is the man who sent Piper to SHU for dancing with another woman and told Soso her depression was “all in [her] head.” He certainly has a thing for Russian women. We just know Red can do better.

Crazy Eyes & Maureen

After writing an “erotically inclined” play as part of a drama class assignment, Suzanne Warren, AKA Crazy Eyes, finds herself attracting a sea of fangirls. While writing the next chapter of her sci-fi erotica (coined the Time Hump Chronicles), one particular reader, Maureen, catches Suzanne’s eye.

mauranne
Crazy Eyes, seen here, visibly confused at becoming a love interest.

Maureen ends up courting Crazy Eyes and writes her the sweetest poem since Sappho. We really hope to see more of this pair in the new season. It’d be nice to see Crazy Eyes settle down and become domesticated. As settled down and domesticated a person can be while locked up in a minimum-security prison, of course.

Stream Orange is the New Black Season 4 on June 17. And no matter who you ship, maybe get off the couch at some point and go outside for a little bit? Just like, for five minutes. You can thank us later.


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