Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hits cinemas this week. It showcases some fantastic manmade monsters as all hell breaks loose on Isla Nublar, with Chris Pratt and co. working to rescue the dinosaurs from an erupting volcano.
Encounters with new, fearsome dinosaurs were always a given, as were reappearances from their old friends the T-Rex, velociraptor Blue and terrifying water beast, the mosasaurus.
It got us thinking as to what would happen if the famous Hollywood monsters of the past came across each other. Well, you know what would happen, they’d almost certainly not sit down for a chat and a cup of tea. There would be a ruck or several, huge ones. With lots of bloodshed — which, in some cases, would lead to one monster feasting on the other.
With that in mind, here are eight movie monster battles we’d all really like to see.
Xenomorphs vs Velociraptors
Plural. What a battle this would be. A right royal rumble. Two armour-plated killing-machine species equipped with high intelligence and razor-sharp claws. And one massive bundle. But who would win? Well, it would be a savage battle to the absolute death.
Would the Raptors’ flesh-ripping claws be able to penetrate the alien armour? And if they did, would the acid blood be a problem for the thick-skinned hide of the manmade dinosaurs? And would the Raptors’ speed and cunning allow them to avoid the rather unpleasant Xenomorph trick of ramming a spear-like tail through its prey? It’s a really tough one to call.
Raptors don’t fit the bill for dinosaurs with egg-sized brains that are easily deceived and Xenomorphs have two sets of jaws and are generally absolute badasses. These two are well-matched when it comes to smarts and teeth.
It may be a case of sitting on the fence and saying these two species might just finish EACH OTHER off. In what would be the most cataclysmic of movie face-offs.
T-Rex vs Predator
On paper, another epic. The greatest killing machine of all time versus a ruthless alien hunter. If these two went head-to-head, who knows what would happen? The T-rex could, in theory, bite the predator in half with its mighty jaws.
But our money is on the alien. One, it can disappear, and as Sam Neill told us in Jurassic Park, the T-Rex’s vision is movement based.
Two, it could leap on to the T-Rex’s back and gore it with its ferocious claws.
But three is the clincher, as it could just dark-side the mighty reptile by shooting it with missiles from a safe distance.
Result: Predator wins.
Smaug vs Godzilla
The Hobbit‘s flying fire-breather versus the world-famous Japanese giant who gets mightily annoyed by nuclear testing. Both breathe fire, but Smaug has the advantage of flight.
However, despite the fears of the village folk in the Battle of the Five Armies about the apparent indestructibility of the dragon, he eventually gets killed with one shot.
Result: Godzilla wins.
Kraken vs Jaws
To the water now, as we look at what would happen if a really massive squid-beast took on a massive shark with a taste for humans.
The Kraken, of Clash of the Titans fame, has a distinct size advantage, making the huge shark look like a bit of a tiddler. Seriously, you’d fear for the shark if he got caught in those tentacles. And while Jaws can pull down a helicopter, the Kraken takes down ships.
We think that while Jaws would take out a few chunks of the ancient sea beast, he’d probably eventually be crushed.
Result: Kraken wins.
King Kong vs Rancor
The giant gorilla is super tough, enormous, and highly intelligent. You may remember the fight with the giant lizard and how he took on the soldiers led by Samuel L Jackson’s mad Preston Packard in Kong: Skull Island. But the Rancor is no slouch, either, feasting on whoever has the misfortune to end up in his pit in Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi.
Basically, however, this is a bit of a thrashing. Kong is agile, fast, smart and hard as nails. The Rancor was killed by a gate falling on it. Which caused its blubbery master to sob uncontrollably.
No contest. Kong it is, all the way.
Result: King Kong wins.
Lake Placid Croc vs Anaconda
This is one mega face-off you can actually witness on screen. Lake Placid vs Anaconda is a real film. And one which features several of both species attacking people and also turning on each other.
In what we’ve dubbed “Jaws in a lake vs Jaws with a snake”, you have to consider that this fight is one that involves two really big versions of already large animals. So you have to decide what’s more badass out of a big croc and a big snake. The croc has the potential to bite the snake in two, but the snake can crush it, and then potentially swallow it.
Essentially, then, they’re well matched, and the film acknowledges this — showing each species coming out on top in different scenarios. We see an anaconda crush a croc until it explodes, and we see a croc fling an anaconda into a helicopter. And while we don’t see a snake eat a crocodile whole, we do see a tease at the end for a terrifying cross-breed. Perhaps we’ll update this feature when the sequel arrives…
Frankenstein’s Monster vs Dracula
The classic horror encounter. The immortal vampire versus the monster created by the scientist playing god.
Dracula is immortal, so can’t die. That’s a stumbling block, for a start. Frankenstein’s monster, meanwhile, is made up of bits of other dead people, so you’d imagine there’s not a lot of blood flowing, meaning old Drac might not get much of a meal out of him. Would attacking him be worth his time and energy? Probably not. And the only reason the Creature would fight would be in self-defence, surely.
If they did come to blows, though — maybe in the event that Dracula hadn’t had a feed in a while and the Creature was his only option — they’d probably end up giving each other a good pummelling, before calling it a stalemate.
The Rock vs Arnie
OK, so not real monsters, but certainly two monstrously proportioned men. Who would win? Well, Arnie is 70, and the Rock is 46, so we’ll have to go back in time a bit. We’ll go for Commando-era Arnie versus Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson when he was still a wrestler.
So who would win if they went toe-to-toe? Well, Arnie was only ever a bodybuilder, whereas Johnson was a high-level American Football player, and then a wrestler, which despite being staged, requires tremendous conditioning.
Despite his fearsome biceps, we think Arnie might get a bit puffed against his more naturally athletic foe, and that The Rock would lay the smack down on the former Governor of California, if you smell what we’re cooking.
Result: The Rock wins