Piper Chapman might have been the original hook of Orange is the New Black with her wide-eyed, privileged butt thrown into jail on some old drugs charge, but as the seasons have progressed, it’s clear that Piper is the weakest character of all of Litchfield Penitentiary’s inmates. Whether you’re a fan of the fiery Red, the unique Crazy Eyes or recovering drug addict cum religious nut Pennsatucky, there’s plenty of ladies to like better than Chapman.
In fact, there’s a consensus that Piper is the worst character in the show and from the footage we’ve seen so far of Orange is the New Black Season 5, it looks like the Netflix series might be fixing its Piper problem. Or, it’s become much more aware of it.
Take the first teaser trailer for the season, which airs on June 9. Piper and girlfriend Vause are seen stumbling on the rest of the inmates urging Daya to pull the trigger on the gun she’s got pointed at scumbag prison guard, Humphrey.
Piper states that she and Vause’s are “laying low and we’re staying out of trouble”, which is exactly what fans want to see from Season 5. Less Piper, more Vause and the rest of the Litchfield ladies.
Then came the official trailer for Orange is the New Black Season 5, which features considerably less Piper. Phew. Again, it looks like things are moving on the right track.
That’s especially true when you look at the one moment Chapman comes into the fray. She asks what she can do to help, but Tastee is quick to quip back, “People ain’t gonna like you”. Of course, Piper plays her usual whiny, selfish self and states the sentiment is the “story of her life”.
Thankfully, it’s looking pretty likely that Piper is going to play a much smaller role in Orange is the New Black Season 5, but in case you’re feeling a little glum at that thought, here’s a recap of just some of Piper’s most annoying moments.
She’s privileged and spoilt and makes that abundantly clear
Piper’s privilege and eventual downfall is the main theme for the first two seasons of Orange is the New Black, but by Season 3 her moaning seriously began to grate. And we’re not just talking about her impact on the viewers at this stage. Her inability to understand how insensitive her “first-world problem” themed moans can seem to the other inmates.
In fact, in episode 7 of Season 3, the above interchange takes place and Piper really hits rock bottom in our estimations. We basically feel like Morello every time Piper speaks.
She somehow gets all the jail hotties
Despite her irritating, self-obsessed ways, Piper Chapman seems to get all the hottest girls in Litchfield Penitentiary. First, she hooks up again with former lover Alex Vause, but then she later ditches her for the fresh-faced, tattooed goddess that is Stella Carlin, played by the one and only Ruby Rose.
In what world does someone like Piper get to choose between Vause:
She thinks she’s ‘gangsta’
Remember back at the start of Season 4 when there’s been a breakout at the jail and Piper actually thinks – thanks to her tendency to be a little self-absorbed – that the inmates are actually running away in fear of her. It’s then that she pulls out probably her most cringeworthy line of all time:
“I’m gangsta. Like with an “A” at the end.”
Even her brother thinks she’s a loser for thinking that when she meets up with him during prison visiting hours in Season 3 Episode 13. We’re right there with you, Cal.
And don’t forget, she only thinks that because she beat Pennsatucky to a pulp and sent Stella to the maximum security prison.
She “accidentally” becomes the leader of the racists
And her biggest offence of all? Becoming the leader of the resident racist gang
In her attempt to make everyone fear her and become the ultimate “gangsta”, Piper actually starts a ‘white lives matter’ campaign within the prison. Of course, she thinks she’s setting up a security group, but everyone that turns up is white and openly voices their racist sentiments. She quickly becomes a leader of a white power group and despite her knowing that it’s a massively huge, racist, mistake, she carries on with it anyway.
When power starts to corrupt, as was fairly inevitable, Piper tries to make amends but it’s too late. She’s handed over by her supposed bodyguard to Maria’s gang who brands a Nazi swastika into her arm. And no-one felt any pity for her.
Orange is the New Black Season 5 airs on June 9 exclusively on Netflix.