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Looking Back at the Illustrious Career of Uwe Boll

This just in: Uwe Boll retiring from filmmaking, claims the “market is dead” It is so sad to see such a prolific and well-loved filmmaker will be saying adios. It is with a heavy heart that I report that Rampage: President Down will be the final film by Mr. Boll. A prolific auteur, Uwe walks away with a whopping 116 roles under his belt. From acting to producing, to directing, Uwe Boll redefined cinema. His works will delight and entertain many generations to come.

I’ve never actually seen any of his movies, but I figure since he’s blowing up on my social media but that changes today!

So join me as I look back at some of Uwe Boll’s most well-known films! To try and isolate the best of the best I have turned to the website Rotten Tomatoes to help me.

 

Postal (2007) (8%)

First Impressions:

I have to be honest with you guys, I can believe that a movie about mail delivery could be pretty boring. Maybe 8% is a little harsh, maybe this was reviewed by people who aren’t interested in reviewing movies. Or perhaps it was written by angry stamp collectors. I check to see if there was a stamp collecting Wiki here at Fandom to inquire about this, turns out WE DO! I posed this question to them before sitting down to watch the movie:

Pictured: Hard Hitting Journalism.
Pictured: Hard Hitting Journalism.

After realizing I didn’t proof read my blog post I decided to soldier on and watch the movie anyway.

The Movie:

This is about as edgy as the doodles on a teenager's notebook.
This is about as edgy as doodles on a teenager’s notebook

I saw this movie and it shattered my first impressions immediately. It has nothing to do with mail delivery or stamp collecting at all! The movie is about this guy trying to earn a living in the town of Paradise. Paradise hardly lives up to its name because it’s a crappy place to live.

People treat Postal Dude like a pile of crap and violence is apparently commonplace. Postal Dude ends up taking a job from his Uncle Dave (played by David Foley), a cult leader, to steal an item of great value from Little Germany, a Nazi theme park. They discover  Al-Qaeda terror cell led by non-other than Osama Bin Laden are there to collect a powerful weapon. Anyway, Postal Dude ends up going on a rampage, killing cultists, terrorists and pretty well everyone who has every been mean to him. Spoiler alert: Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush are best buds and the world ends.

Reaction:

This movie has aged terribly in a number of ways. First of all, the movie is based on the Postal videos games. At the time that the Postal movie came out it was 4 years after the last game had come out and 4 years before the release of Postal III. Not exactly a timely production. The second thing that dates this movie is the subject matter. Postal came at a time where parodying Osama Bin Laden was hack.

After 9/11 there were a number of, arguably tasteless, “satirical” commentaries on the War on Terror.  Just because you have an opinion on politics doesn’t mean you should spend 15 million dollars to make it a cinematic reality. Regardless of what your stance on the Bush administration was, you still sound like an idiot to the people of the future .

Watching this movie now that (a), George Bush hasn’t been president for seven years. (b), Osama Bin Laden has been dead for five years. Finally (c) , there hasn’t been a new Postal game in just as long, doesn’t give this movie a whole lot left to stand on.

The movie was also billed as a “Live Action South Park“, and I couldn’t disagree more. I think it is more like “worrisome third grader re-enacts South Park in the school yard with rocks and a sharpened stick.”  Anyone who watches this movie and thinks that it’s a live action South Park are the same kind of people who call every parody song “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Editorially Mandated Positive Point:

If you’ve ever asked yourself wanted to see a cast member from Kids in the Hall naked, then congratulations, you’ve found something to look forward to in this movie.

Lastly, Uwe Boll makes a cameo in the film where he is shot in the crotch, so there’s that.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2006) (4%)

First Impressions:

This movie has a title that reads like a mobile gaming app. Like one of those Clash of Clans rip-offs that would sooner clean out your bank account than provide any semblance of enjoyable gameplay. What can I say? It’s certainly a game about dungeons being sieged. Well, as long as the movie mostly takes place in a dungeon I think we’re going to be okay.

The Film:

Sadly, there is no giant sword either.
Sadly, there is no giant sword either.

Knights… doing knightly things? Dear lord, what a bore this one was. Some kid is raised by some peasants after being found at the end of a bloody war. He lives a simple life when bad stuff happens he raises an army, finds out he’s the son of a king. Blah blah blah. Also for a movie with the words “dungeon siege” in the title there is a stunning lack of dungeons.

Reaction:

If they took the legend of King Arthur and reworked it into an insomnia remedy, it would be In the Name of the King. This movie was another one based on a video game series. If this is any representation of the Dungeon Siege series, I want to destroy every console ever.

Editorially Mandated Positive Point:

I fell asleep half way through this movie. I managed a good nights sleep and managed to get to my day job on time. A total win-win situation.

House of the Dead (2003) (4%)

First Impressions:

I remember pumping quarters into this first person shooter in the arcades as a teenager. In 1996. So, can someone tell me something? Did Uwe Boll create the “dated video game movie” subgenre of video game movies? This movie was made 7 years after the arcade game was released. Did I miss that phase where everyone was nostalgic for arcade games ported to the Sega Saturn? My last question is this: Can the dead actually afford a home in this economy? I hope this movie answers that question because that’s the only thing that can relieve this profound sense of loss I feel right now.

The Film:

Forget an island full of zombies. I want a movie about rebellious sailors with guns. Think West Side Story, but on a tug boat.
Forget an island full of zombies. I want a movie about rebellious sailors with guns. Think West Side Story, but on a tug boat.

House of the Dead is about some kids trying to get to a rave party and discovering it’s on an island filled with zombies. They find guns and start trying to get off the island alive. A lot of characters needlessly blow themselves up. Something about an ancient Spanish mad scientist with an immortality formal.

The Reaction:

I liked how the characters intentionally blew themselves up or otherwise threw themselves at the horde of zombies.

Editorially Mandated Positive Point:

I spent 45 minutes of this movie away from my TV making supper. I was able to sit back down and didn’t feel like I missed anything. Some filmmakers try to dazzle you with character development so you can feel invested in the characters. Not this movie, though!

Also, I think it makes a pretty good case about why you shouldn’t go to raves when you’re in your late 20s.

Bloodrayne (2006) (4%)

First Impressions:

At first, I thought this was a sequel to the movie Purple Rain, but then my brother proved me wrong when he got me a copy of the game for Christmas in 2006. Apparently my face reads “will enjoy top heavy vampires fighting Nazis” and my brother went with it. Still, I’m quite sure that it is impossible for this movie not to deliver that criteria.

The Film:

uwe-boll-bloodrayne
This is basically the plot to the movie… I think….

The heroine of this movie is named Rayne, a human/vampire half-breed called a Dhampir. They’re basically like vampires, except they don’t have a thirst for blood and religious symbols don’t affect them. Which is great, why create limitations that create challenges for the character or anything?

You ever notice when you care very little about a movie it makes it almost impossible to remember any details about it? Well, this movie was like that but worse. I can’t even remember my childhood anymore.

The Reaction:

WHO ARE MY PARENTS? I CAN’T REMEMBER WHO I AM? *SOB*

Editorially Mandated Positive Point:

Because this movie made me a man without a past, I guess that makes me the lead in an action movie?

Alone in the Dark (2005) (1%)

First Impression:

Alone in the Dark practically brags that it is part of the 1%, and perhaps after watching this film I will finally be able to understand what the Occupy movement was all about.

The Film:

This is actually from a 1982 film also called "Alone in the Dark" and that looks more awesome than what I'm about to watch.
This is actually from a 1982 film also called “Alone in the Dark” and that looks more awesome than what I’m about to watch.

This movie is the worst.

The Reaction:

uwe-boll-living-room-on-fire

Editorially Mandated Positive Point:

I NEED A HUG


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Nick Peron

Nick Peron is a stand-up comedian from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Dubbed "Ottawa's Creepiest Comic" he has been banned from performing in China. He can be found online at www.nickperon.com

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