It’s the Halloween season and for a lot of us, that means horror movie marathons. Some of the most enjoyable horror movies are the ones where one well-known monster is pitted against another. Classics like Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, and King Kong vs. Godzilla to more contemporary films like Freddy vs. Jason and Aliens vs. Predator. We love these kinds of movies.
Unfortunately, these movies are very intermittent and come and go pretty quickly. Another big problem is various rights issues and cross-studio collaborations that are required to make them happen. These days the cinematic landscape can only accommodate nonsense direct-to-video such as like Dinocroc vs. Supergator and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.
Still, horror fans out there hope for the day when another one of these iconic mash-ups will happen again. Here are some horror vs. battles we want to see:
File this One Under: Missed opportunity.
The Contenders: Back in the early 2000s, New Line Cinema owned the rights to three of the biggest horror franchises in modern history: Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. When Freddy vs. Jason turned out to be a smash hit in 2003 they were already talking a sequel. However, to up the ante, the powers that be wanted to add yet a third contender.
Instead of taking advantage of the fact that New Line had the rights to TCM or d0ve into their catalog of other horror characters, they tried to get Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash going. Ash, as you may be aware is the hero of the Evil Dead franchise. A film didn’t pan out, but the script was turned into a comic book thanks to DC Comics and Dynamite Entertainment. Since then, New Line no longer has the rights to the TCM franchise which is now held by Millennium Films and released through Lions Gate.
How to do it: As a direct sequel to Freddy vs. Jason, I envision this mash-up as being the Contest of Champions of horror films. After Freddy’s failed attempt to exploit Jason to get back at Elm Street, the Dream Demons responsible for giving him his powers have decided that it might be time to change things up. However, the three demons can’t make up their mind over who will get their power. One still likes Freddy, the other wants Jason, yet the third wants to induct a new member: Leatherface.
In order to make up their minds, the three demons send Freddy and Jason down to Texas to break Leatherface from the insane asylum he’s been locked up in for decades. They then unleash the three on a quiet and unassuming Texas town. Whoever racks up the highest body count by the end of the night will be the Dream Demon’s chosen champion. Realizing what’s happening, the local teenagers try to rally up the townspeople to fight back against these horror icons. Twist ending: The good guys win, and the Demons realize that one minion is not enough and make all three maniacs their new dream killers.
File This One Under: Why hasn’t anyone thought of this already?
The Contenders: The Alien franchise is about various space-faring humans coming across a species of aliens that lay eggs in your chest. They’re an allegory for rape and they were designed by H.R. Giger. The Species franchise is about scientists splicing alien and human DNA to create a hybrid. These hybrids are all about reproducing and creating a species of hybrids that threaten to wipe out humanity due to their aggressive nature. They’re an allegory for reproduction, and the were also designed by H.R. Giger.
How to do it: Set in the modern day, the planet Earth is completely changed the day a strange alien ship crash lands in Russia. The ship contains a cargo of xenomorphs that get loose. Thanks to political posturing, the xenomorphs are beyond the point of containment in the country unless something drastic is done. Hey wouldn’t you know, the United States has been working on alien/human hybrids for years and they now finally have a practical use for them: preventing another invasive alien species from overtaking the planet. However, things go awry when the hybrids break free and also begin running amok. Now both alien invaders are locked in a battle for dominance of the planet Earth with the fate of humanity itself hanging in the balance.
File This One Under: Okay, not really a horror movie, but come on!
The Contenders: American Psycho followed the story of Patrick Bateman a wealthy New York investment banker who may or may not be a serial killer. He is the personification of consumerism gone out of control. Fight Club, on the other hand, is about a disenfranchised consumer creating a fight club to vent their frustrations. Their leader, Tyler Durden, eventually molds these angry men into a terrorist group called Operation: Mayhem to help smash the state. Also, depending on the version of Fight Club you follow, Tyler Durden might be in some guy’s head.
How to do it: Patrick Bateman, while continuing his excessive indulgences and playing out his murderous fantasies discovers a New York chapter of the Fight Club. He gets involved in Fight Club, starts going to meetings, and beating the crap out of other guys. He starts learning about Project: Mayhem and decides he wants to be top dog of the operations. His only opposition? The even elusive Tyler Durden. Bateman travels across America trying to track down Durden until the two men are finally face-to-face for a climatic smack down.
File This Under: A filmmaker has got to eat.
The Contenders: The Feast franchise is a trilogy of films about brutal and disgusting desert monsters that are the ultimate hunters. The first film they trap a bunch of bar patrons in the local watering hole, in the follow ups they lay siege to an entire town. Although the monsters look kind of silly in broad daylight, they are down right creepy looking at night, especially wearing the carcasses of their kills. Also, whatever they don’t eat, they try to hump, so there’s that. In Critters, the monsters are little spiny aliens called Crites. In most of the films, they crash land in small-town America and eat everything that moves. Thankfully, there are some shape-changing space bounty hunters that come to clean things up. The Crites also look equally ridiculous in broad daylight.
How to do it: This one is a no-brainer: small desert town in America is surrounded by the Feast monsters when suddenly an alien ship crash lands containing a bunch of Crites. Now the people have two aggressive carnivores trying to eat them up. The two creatures fight each other until some randy Feast monsters breed with some Crites and create insanely deadly hybrids. You could even call them Frites! When all seem lost you throw in some space bounty hunters to save the day. Seriously, this is such an awesome idea someone needs get John Gulager and New Line Cinema in a conference call.
File This One Under: I have no soul.
How to do it: Who cares! What an epic idea. This must get made.