The Grand Tour Recap and Reaction: ‘Enviro-mental’

Graham Host
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TV

Forgoing their promise of new views every week, The Grand Tour remains in Whitby. Apparently, this is due to a combination of Clarkson being left homeless and May losing the bag they carry the tent in. With little else to discuss, they decide to take digs at the local police. With so many unruly youths going around with excessively loud motors, the police decided to clamp down on it. Unfortunately, their ‘operation’ was called off due to weather. Only the British police could be so utterly useless.

Porsche

One thing that I don’t fully grasp about cars is how they are able to switch out a few bits, call it a completely new model and then sell it for a massive profit. Neither does Clarkson apparently as he tests the Porsche 911 GT3 RS. That last bit probably stands for something other than a huge price tag but I don’t know what it is.

Back in the days when Clarkson didn’t have a bald patch, he reviewed another 911. Other than a few changes – like the new scaffolding in the back – this model looks identical. The engine has 500 horsepower, comfortably reaches 9000 RPM and growls like a lion. Even without any electronic aid, it is nigh impossible to skid.

Clarkson decides to compare it to the BMW M4 GTS. Designed to be lightweight, this car will go fast but lacks the ability to go over a speed hump and holders of any sort. Great as a race car, it makes a lousy commuter vehicle.

the-grand-tour-porsche-911-gt3-rs-bmw-m4-gts

Even against the GT3, it falls woefully short. Yet Clarkson names it the winner because Richard Hammond doesn’t own one. Following test by The American, the 911 takes fourth on the leaderboard and the M4 comes in seventh. Despite the limitless failures, the Grand Tour presenters feel bad for BMW. They tried their hardest with the car but it just failed. With the subtlety of a flying elephant, they make allusions to the unspeakably awful Evans Season of Top Gear.

Conversation Street

After discussing the idea of trackers for cars – the little gadgets which tell you exactly where the thief threw it in a ditch – Clarkson mentions a much-needed idea for motorists – simplicity. He currently drives a Golf GTI because it is both cheap and works. Even with their phenomenal budget, it is good to see some working-class common sense.

Somehow, the ‘safe-space’ millennials have brought about the most useless addition to traffic lights ever. Feast your eyes!

the-grand-tour-pedestrian-lights

There is no need for all this nonsense. Of all the things that the Americans have over the Brits, I never thought traffic lights would make the list. ‘Walk/Don’t Walk’ is so much simpler than ‘but we can’t use the symbols for heterosexual relationships in case the non-heterosexual communities get upset’.

Going Green

For all their various shortcomings, the three presenters have had some good ideas over the years. Greenhouse trailers to clean car emissions whilst driving, growing their own petrol and even aquatic cars. Their latest project is environmentally friendly car bodies.

James went with mud, possibly taking some traditional African building inspiration. Richard went full tree-hugger and literally made a garden for his car. Jeremy followed his Neanderthal side and crafted dead animals into a cover. There are two ways of looking at this. Simply impractical or the overly sensitive public opinion of ‘how bloody dare he’.

the-grand-tour-meat-wagon

For all his intellect, May seems to have forgotten how heavy his mud car would be – 5 tonnes. It moves at a slow jog and begins falling apart before they even leave the starting field. On the bright side, the speed picks right up after the shedding. Sticking with their practical tradition, the surviving members soldier on. Wisely deciding that pure mud wasn’t working, James decides to make bricks instead. Despite nature’s instincts, a hedgehog and mouse have nestled themselves away in Hammond’s car. Even for these three idiots, the challenge is becoming incredibly staged.

Celebrity Brain Crash

For this week’s celebrity victim guest, the Grand Tour called in Jimmy Carr. Following the untimely and unforeseeable accident which claimed the life of Simon Pegg last week, Carr has wisely decided to begin in the water by jet skiing to the studio. Unbelievably, a boat drifts – as in, rally – into his path and an explosion claims Carr.

Moving onto the political problem of self-smuggling immigrants getting to Britain’s ridiculously generous benefits system, they decide to demonstrate the possible ways of both smuggling a man in through the extra boot and then using them as a parking sensor. It’s in bad taste, even for the slightly racist Clarkson.

Going Green – Part 2

Following a good night’s sleep, Jeremy awakens to find yet another flaw in his otherwise patchy plan. A car of animal remains tends to attract an alarming amount of predators who think they’ve struck gold. Surprisingly, bones are hard to come by. Having destroyed the entire field to construct enough bricks to a small house on wheels, James is able to finally get under way. Despite our best hopes of a drag race, their first hurdle is a small river. With no binding on his bricks, the walls on May’s car quickly fall apart.

The brown trail is his mud brick dissolving

Eventually rebuilding his car from string, mud and straw, May is able to rejoin the gang the next day. It might be unwieldy and falling apart but the meat wagon is actually starting to rot. It’s not just a bad idea but also a health hazard. During the race against three ‘steel cars’ it comes out that the eco-cars aren’t what you would call ‘structurally sound’. When the Divine Creator sat down to make these idiots, was any sense of proper work put in? With Clarkson bowing out – to vomit – after discovering maggots in his engine, the flower garden actually catches fire. Once more, the genii started with a great idea before their typical idiocy destroyed any chance of it succeeding.

Observation

  • Although well intentioned, only Hammond seems to have actually created something even remotely worth the time. Clarkson was slightly behind the times.
  • The US Government once accused three blokes from Top Gear of being more focussed on humour than the cars. There might have been some truth to the words – especially on The Grand Tour.
  • I would have suspected May at least would have had a sensible idea. Strangely, we are forced to rely on the enthusiastic Hammond instead.
Graham Host
Graham Host is a member of the Fan Contributor program. In his spare time, he enjoys the works of Terry Pratchett, DC Comics and a wide assortment of video games. Under no circumstances should he be fed after midnight. Contactable only via Twitter or trained carrier pigeon.
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