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These Fan Theories Are Crazy… or Are They?

Over on some other website, fans occasionally like to discuss their favorite fan theories. Some are very good. Others will make you want to take a shower of angst. I’ve separated the wheat from the chaff for you below.

Scooby-Doo takes place in an economic depression. This is why there are so many run down amusement parks and mills, all the businesses are closed. This is also why so many desperate people are pulling ghost-related insurance scams, AND why the kids seem to be traveling the country with no jobs or even homes other than the van.

This is the rare fan theory that doesn’t go far ENOUGH. Scooby-Doo actually takes place in a distant, post-apocalyptic future. Society has broken down. No one besides the ragtag Scoobies looks twice at the vampire with glowing green eyes or actual IRL computer virus. Governments have long since abandoned trying to regulate corporations, allowing unchecked capitalist nihilism to become the global ethical standard.

When you frame it like that, Scrappy Doo doesn’t really seem that bad now, does he? This theory gets a gold star because it makes Scrappy Doo tolerable.

Anakin was unknowingly using the Force to influence Padme into falling in love with him in Attack of the Clones.

This theory makes those insufferably awkward “romance” scenes in the prequel trilogy so much easier to watch. Try it! You’ll never watch the series the same way. “Hey, this may be really awkward, but at least I can reassure myself that she doesn’t actually love that creepy, brooding goober.” I award this idea 64,000 galactic standard credits.

Steve from Stranger Things is Jean-Ralphio’s dad

stjean

Timeline checks out. They both take place in Indiana. And would you take a look at that hair? This is true and correct until someone tells me no, and maybe even then. Your headcanon rolled a 20.

The three lead characters in Harry Potter represent the other three houses (Harry Slytherin, Ron Hufflepuff, and Hermione Ravenclaw), and that the Sorting Hat puts those in Gryffindor who have the courage to ask for it.

I want this to be true because the two “other” houses always got short shrift in the Harry Potter series. I mean, really, name the most famous canon-approved Ravenclaw student. Even their mascot is weak. If a raven went up against a lion or a snake or a dragon, its best option would be to just douse itself in steak sauce and roll over. Ravenclaw is garbage.

This theory is wrong for all the right reasons. Gryffindor’s signature character trait is bravery, and yes, it is extremely brave for a twelve-year-old to argue with a talking hat that can peer into your soul. But if this were true, everyone would just ask to be in Gryffindor. Who wants to tell their mother that they could’ve chosen the awesome lion house but instead let the talking hat assign them to the snake house?

This fanon is middling but plausible. Ten sickles for you.

At the end of The Thing, MacReady offers a bottle of gasoline to Childs, who drinks it as if nothing was wrong. The Thing wouldn’t know what whiskey tastes like and reveals Childs as being replaced.

I want this to be true because otherwise, the ending to The Thing is bleak. They’re trapped in Antarctica and Kurt Russell has blown everything up, so the only step they can take from here is to die one-by-one, either by Thing Replacement or exposure to, y’know, Antarctica.

It’s Kurt Russell movie, I don’t really know what I expected. Two thumbs up for reminding me that Kurt Russell is awesome.

Jar Jar is a Sith Master. Also, Snoke is Mace Windu.

Jar Jar Binks is not a Sith master. His species, the Gungans, can just do those things because they are not human. And let’s be honest, there’s no way that George Lucas had the forethought to make Episode I’s comic relief a double agent. Lucas wanted Jar Jar in the movie for two reasons: to show off LucasArts’ fancypants CGI department, and so there’s a character who steps in some poopie.

Snoke is totally Mace Windu though. I want that to be true so badly that I will ignore the whole falling-from-a-skyscraper problem, as well as the fact that Rebels heavily implies that he’s dead. That’s because Mace Windu is awesome. I award this theory 20,000 midichlorians for giving me Sammy J hope.


Courage is a normal dog who hasn’t been able to explore his surroundings

Was this not actually canon? The central conceit to Courage the Cowardly Dog is that we’re inside the mind of a constantly-terrified puppy who teaches children to overcome their fears, no matter how middling. Courage is, variably, scared of cats, ducks, and a senior citizen, fears that seem “reasonable” to Courage (and his young audience) even though cats and ducks and old men don’t pose much of a threat.

I’m pretty sure this guy just doesn’t understand Courage the Cowardly Dog on the deep level I do. I woof at your fan theory.


The Dursleys were so cruel to Harry because they were under the influence of the Horcrux in his head.

This one took some research at the Harry Potter wiki. There’s no indication in the books that proximity to a Horcrux causes mental or physical pain, only proximity to Salazar Slytherin’s Locket. Apparently, that doesn’t cause a problem for Dolores Umbridge, though – she sports it like a choker in the 90’s, during a criminal hearing no less.

Wouldn’t that make Harry go crazy, too? He’s the one with a piece of Voldemort’s soul lodged between his ears, and he seems to be as rational as you’d expect a teenage boy to be. So either both Harry and Umbridge got all good the Defense Against the Dark Arts genes, or this theory is bunk. I’m going with the latter. This theory didn’t pass its O.W.L.s.

Bender from Futurama wasn’t a criminal until he met Fry.

As the comments pointed out, one of the first things we see Bender do is try to stiff the suicide booth, which seems like a weird plan. It’s not like you need the money after the booth provides its services.

More to the point, though: Bender racks up a long rap sheet over the course of Futurama. Either he had some experience with this already or he’s a very quick study of criminality. Or maybe he’s just a robot. Either way, this gets 2/10 Nixon Heads.


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