There’s been a LOT of controversy lately over the upcoming all-female reboot of Ghostbusters. Look, I get it. I’m one of you guys! I hate it when chicks are always trying to stick their noses into activities that are supposed to be for men, like busting ghosts, becoming President, owning land, and deciding how much makeup they should wear. This is just another disgusting attempt by Hollywood to make movies shamelessly pander to women, simply because women are half of all people that pay to see movies. How am I gonna teach my kid to keep a woman in her place if the media keeps portraying them as people? Modern feminism has gone too far. That might not be the biggest problem facing America right now, but it’s the only one affecting my video games, so it’s the only one I care about.
I’m not just interested in talking about this problem though. I’m interested in fixing it. I want the healing to begin so we can all put our flaming pitchforks down and go back to our lives. The problem here is the double-standard. I believe we will not have true gender equality in this country until Hollywood can safely remake movies about women to be about men. It’s shocking how controversial this idea still is. Yeah, I guess it’s totally fine to remake male movies to be about women. But if you suggest the opposite, you get called a “misogynist” and people probably throw trash at you in the street and set you on fire while family courts take your kids away. Despite the risk I know I am taking with my safety, I have chosen to be brave and make my voice heard. I spent a lot of time brainstorming ideas for movies that would correct the sexism in Hollywood, and the lovely Ms. Robyn Rivera helped me mock up posters for what some of these movies might look like.
1. Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants
I have not actually seen Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants because I don’t watch chick flicks (don’t want people judging me for enjoying listening to women talk). From what I understand though, it’s about girls and how they never stop talking about clothes. How about a movie where men do all of the talking about their interests for once? To be clear though, I still think this movie should have girls in it. I wouldn’t want to see a movie with no hot chicks. This seems to me like a compromise that should make everyone happy.
2. Mean Boys
Come on Hollywood, you can make garbage like Mean Girls 2 but you can’t make Mean Boys? Yeah, every couple of years one of these movies comes out. The movie “proving” that women can be just as funny as men. Well, let me ask you this. Where is the movie proving that men can be just as funny as women? That’s a question nobody thinks to ask, because the feminists who control our entire government except for every President throughout history don’t want you to challenge their authority. I’m tired of women trying to belittle men by saying they can be just as funny as us, and I think it’s time we turned the tables.
3. Pretty Man
Okay, it has been brought to my attention that this movie already exists. A gender-swapped version of Pretty Woman where Richard Gere plays a prostitute would basically just be American Gigolo. I already made the poster though and I have a deadline so this entry is staying.
4. Breakfast at Timothy’s
I was appalled at the sexism when I first watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s another movie about some dumb flighty broad who people dote on because she’s smokin’ hot, and at the end of the movie her problems are fixed by a man. Ugh, women have it so easy. My question is, why is it that men always have to be the ones to fix everything? George Peppard has to do ALL the work of repeatedly pursuing Audrey Hepburn while she tells him to leave her alone, and she just gets to sit back and enjoy the attention. I’d love to see a movie where men have it that great.
5. Pappa Mia
This one is self-explanatory, I don’t think I need to go into it.
I made posters out of the 5 best ones, but there are plenty of other options! If you have more ideas, feel free to tweet them to me @billyarrowsmith with the hashtag #AllMaleRemakes. In case any bigshot Hollywood producers are reading this, here are some of my other ideas:
- Working Boy
- Little Men
- Handsome in Pink
- Mister Congeniality
- He’s All That
- The Prince Diaries
- Janitor in Manhattan
- He’s the Woman
- Eric Brockovitch
- Boy, Interrupted
- When Harriet Met Sully
- The Prince Groom
- Danny Hall
- My Fair Gentleman
- The Diary of Man Frank
- G.I. Joe (not an adaptation of the G.I. Joe comics, just a male version of the Demi Moore vehicle G.I. Jane)
- Steel Man-gnolias